


Don't Ask, Don't Tell

by JacklesandHydelecki



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Jared, Bottom Jensen, First Time, J2, Las Vegas, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 08:57:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6604744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacklesandHydelecki/pseuds/JacklesandHydelecki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They don't talk about it. Not really.</p><p> </p><p>Jared is more than happy to throw off-the-cuff remarks out at conventions that make the fan girls howl. Throw himself on Jensen when the cameras are snapping, like lightening across the open Texas plains. Crack jokes about fanfic and gay for pay porn when they’re hanging out after the shoot or on weekends. But the real conversation sits in the back of their minds, unformed and taboo. </p><p> </p><p>They don’t talk about how their relationship both on and off screen has been read by millions of fans as a homoerotic one. Or how they seem to know each other better than even their wives know them individually. They live their lives, happy to be near each other and grateful for the friendship they share, reveling in each other’s company and loving the other as only best friends can. And they don’t ever let that unspoken conversation out of its little box in the back of their heads. </p><p> </p><p>It would have gone on that way for the rest of their lives if it hadn't been for Jared’s wife.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They don’t talk about it. Not really. 

Jared is more than happy to throw off the cuff remarks out at conventions that make the fan girls howl. Throw himself on Jensen when the cameras are snapping, like lightening across the open Texas plains. Crack jokes about fanfic and gay for pay porn when they’re hanging out after the shoot or on weekends. But the real conversation sits there in the back of their minds, unformed and taboo. 

Jensen and Jared are Texas boys, through and through; loyal, patriotic, football-loving, truck-driving, beer-swilling, good ol’ boys. It’s one of the things that they share that contributes directly to how close they have become as friends. But as anyone who has ever spent a good amount of time in the Lone Star State can tell you, there’s another side to that upbringing; a sort of us vs. them mentality of isolationism, so bred into the culture that it’s almost a national identity. Texas is a country all its own. And when you grow up hearing jokes about steers and queers and them “fancy boys” compared with “real men”….well it does something to your mind set, no matter how open minded you consider yourself to be. 

So they don’t talk about it. 

They don’t talk about how their relationship both on and off screen has been read by millions of fans as a homoerotic one. Or how they seem to know each other better than even their wives know them individually. Or how when something important happens in their lives the other is the first person they call or text. They live their lives, happy to be near each other and grateful for the friendship they share, reveling in each other’s company and loving the other as only best friends can. And they don’t ever let that unspoken conversation out of its little box in the back of their heads. 

It would have gone on that way for the rest of their lives if it hadn’t been for Jared’s wife. 

*******

Genevieve was sweet and kind, full of energy and life, perfect to suit Jared’s gregarious manner. She loved Jared with her whole heart and that was the problem. Because no matter how much of herself she gave, she couldn’t help but be a little bit jealous of the fact that the man she loved, had a part of his heart, a part of himself that she would never be able to touch. And he didn’t even realize it. She had given him a son, a home, a family. She deserved to have his whole heart too and she was a big believer in trust and communication. So she decided to tell Jared how she was feeling.

That night lying in bed together, Jared was reading a novel he’d borrowed from Jensen, something by Chuck Palanhuik. She looked at her beautiful husband, shirtless and glowing in the soft light of the bedside table. Her eyes swept over his toned flesh, his long limbs, and rose to study his face. There was a slight crease in his brow brought on by the concentration of reading. As she stared he glanced over at her and smiled warmly.

“What’s up, baby? You look like you have something on your mind.”

Genevieve hesitated for a moment. Was it worth disrupting this quiet moment for her petty jealousies? Wasn’t it enough that he was here, with her in this moment, full of love and warmth and comfort?

She sighed. “No, it’s…it’s nothing, go back to your book.”

The crease in Jared’s brow got deeper as he looked at her inquisitively, putting his book aside on the night stand. 

“Gen, it’s not “nothing”, with that look on your face. C’mon baby, just tell me, it’ll make you feel better.”

Suddenly she was feeling very nervous.

“Jer, no, I…. It’s really not important. I thought… I thought it was but, I was wrong. Let’s just drop it.”

Jared got a look on his face, one she usually loved, when he was intrigued and interested in something. When Jared got that look he could be fiercer than a hungry dog with a bone. Trying to work out a problem or figure out a mystery made her husband so happy. He loved using his incredible intellect revved up on the highest setting to work through a crossword puzzle or a family dilemma; it was one of the things she loved most about him. Except when that focus was turned on her, in this moment. Then she knew, without a doubt, that this was going to turn into a fight. 

“Baby, please. You have to tell me. I won’t be able to sleep thinking you’re upset about something.”

Gen turned away from Jared, gathering herself against the storm she knew her words would bring.  
Jared could see her take a shaky breath. Then, still facing away from him, she began to speak. 

“Do you ever think it’s strange the way you call Jensen and I by the same nickname?”

She could feel her husband’s confusion even with her back turned.

“Gen…er, Genevieve…I….”

She interrupted, the words coming fast now that she had started like a floodgate pouring forth after a heavy storm. 

“I love you, more than anything I have ever loved in the entire world, and I gave you my whole heart, my soul and everything I am when we fell in love. And all the time we’ve been together I always thought, someday, it would be the same for you. I didn’t realize until it was too late that you already gave a part of yourself away, before we even met. There’s some part of you that’s never going to be mine, and I know it makes me sound petty and ridiculous and jealous and stupid….but I just HATE that you will never be totally mine. A part of you will always belong to HIM.” 

And then she was crying, uncontrollable sobs escaping from her throat as she felt the warmth of her husband and his giant limbs wrapping around her small frame and pulling her close. He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear, trying to comfort her back from the edge of her breakdown. He was being so wonderful and that just made her angry all over again. 

“Stop! Stop comforting me! Let me go!”

She pushed his arms from around her and stood up rapidly spinning to face him for the first time since she began to speak her mind. She looked at Jared, and saw the confusion on his face, the hurt. Everything about his body language spoke to her heart, making her want to jump back in bed and forget the entire thing, and she almost did. But then she looked in his eyes. Deep in those hazel pools, behind the compassion and frustration, was something else. Her husband was afraid. Afraid of what she had said. _And_ , she thought, _afraid of what it MEANS._

“Jared. I don’t want you to tell me I’m crazy, because I know I’m not. Hell, there are a million fan girl crazies who see this in the two of you and they don’t even fucking know you in real life! What I want, and what I DESERVE, is for you to deal with this. Really deal with it. I don’t mind sharing you with your best friend; I do mind sharing your heart with another love.” 

Jared was close to tears, his face contorting as he was trying to process all the emotions her outburst had caused. His mouth was open as if he was trying to speak, she could see his throat working as he tried to find his voice. When he did, it sounded as if he was talking after gargling sand paper.

“Gen, please….I don’t understand what… You can’t mean…” He swallowed hard and tried again.

“Jensen and I are just friends! Jesus, baby! We have a son! I LOVE you!” He had a wild look in his eyes, like a caged man-eater. 

“It’s not like that between Jensen and I, you KNOW that. You’re my wife, not some fan-fiction writer or gossip columnist. You know me. This is…. I don’t even know what to think, or say. How could you think that of me?” He put his head in his hands.

Genevieve wanted to believe him. She wished she had never brought it up. But underneath his protests, Jared was still afraid and she didn’t think it was of losing her. She reached out and touched his face pulling his eyes up to look into hers. 

“Jared, sweetie, if it isn’t true then why do you look like you’re terrified?”

“Terrified?” He recoiled then suddenly he was standing, towering over her. He looked furious. 

“What kind of question is that? I’m scared of losing you and our marriage falling apart over something completely ridiculous!” 

“No,” she said sadly “you’re afraid I’m right. That they all are.”

Something inside Jared snapped and he slumped forward, giving into his sobs. “You don’t understand what you’re saying baby. What you are asking of me. I can’t do this. I love you; I want you, we’re happy, please just let this go. Please just forget it. Jensen and I will just stop hanging out, I won’t call him, and I won’t talk to him outside of work. He’ll understand if I tell him it’s for you. Please, just….just PLEASE.”  
He sank to his knees in front of her, not touching just letting the tears wrack his body, shoulders slumped and defeated. 

Genevieve began to cry again. But she remained resolute. She stood before her love, both of them in tears, not touching, separated by more than just the air between them. 

“I need you to talk to Jensen about this, for us. You have to let him go so we can be together, truly. That can’t happen unless you deal with this.”

She touched him then running her petite hands up his powerful shoulders, along his thick strong neck, and under his stubbly jaw until she grasped his head and gently turned it up to face her. 

He looked at her, broken and tear-stained. 

“Promise me,” she said, “Promise me you will tell him how you feel, so your heart can heal.” 

Jared let a whimper pass his lips. “Baby…please.” Looked at her desperately, seeing that she wasn’t going to let it go, he resigned himself. 

“OK” He looked away from her, gritting his teeth together. “If this is what you want, I’ll try. But I can’t promise you’ll like what happens to me if you force this. There’s a reason Jen and I don’t talk about this. Can’t talk about this.” 

He stood up then and away from her pulling on a t-shirt he’d left lying on the end of their bed. 

“I need some time. I think I’m going to go stay at my parents for a little while.” 

He then went to the closet and pulled out a small suitcase and an overnight bag. Genevieve watched in silence as he went about the room packing and gathering up his toiletries. When he finished he looked at her, long and hard. 

“I love you very much Genevieve, but I don’t like you very much at all right now.” Then without waiting for her response he walked out of the room and down the hall to say goodbye to his son.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen was in Los Angeles with his very pregnant wife when he got the call. He was sitting around the house watching a baseball game on a Saturday afternoon before he was due to get dressed up to meet Danneel and some of her friends for dinner in the city. Dani was currently out shopping with said friends so Jensen had the house to himself. He took another pull on his beer relaxing deeper into the giant over stuffed couch in their living room. He felt his phone vibrating before he heard the distinctive ringtone version of Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy”, a song Jared insisted be associated with him in Jensen’s consciousness for all eternity. Jensen smiled as he answered.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“Jen…I need you.”

Jensen sat straight up on the couch a worried look forming on his pretty face. 

“What’s happened, is Genevieve alright? The baby?”

“Thomas is fine, Genevieve…we’re having some problems. Look I just booked a flight out of San Antonio to LA, I’ll be there in a few hours. Can you pick me up?”

“Of course! God, you really scared me for a minute, I mean I’m sorry you and Gen are fighting but, shit, you know? Could be worse.”

There was a long silence on Jared’s end of the conversation; Jensen actually checked to see if the call had been dropped then said, “Jared? You still there?”

“Jen. I can’t talk about it over the phone. It’s too important. Just…come get me OK?” 

“OK. Fly safe bro. Just give me a call when you land. Be safe, I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah. I will. Soon.” 

Then the line went dead. Jensen sat back on the couch. Seeing but not seeing the game on the screen in front of him. Was it his imagination or did Jared sound like someone had died? He really thought for a minute… What the hell had happened between Genevieve and him? He wondered if they were getting a divorce and then actively ignored the rush of joy that thought brought on. He shook himself. He could at least be happy his best friend was visiting, he’d been pretty lonely lately with Danneel all wrapped up in baby showers and girls night out events in advance of the birth. She knew it would just be the three of them soon and she wanted to really enjoy the last few months before she was responsible for another human life. It was very understandable. Jensen was always more of a homebody anyway and he was really loving the ability to sleep in and lay around the house all day. He was just about caught up on sleep and relaxation and had been planning to do some nights out of his own soon, so Jared’s timing couldn’t have been better. Besides Danneel had always had lots of friends to visit, and things to do that kept her busy even when Jensen wasn’t around. It was one of the things he loved about her, she was so independent. 

He glanced at the clock and then finished his beer in a single long swallow. It was time to start making himself pretty for his dinner with Dani and entourage. 

In the shower Jensen started thinking about Jared, wondering what was so important that he would drop everything just to fly out to see him. As he muddled over the problem he pictured Jared in his mind, giant dopey grin, ridiculous dimples, flowing brown locks and all. A smile ghosted his lips and he half chuckled in the back of his throat thinking about the last time he picked Jared up at the airport, he’d run up to Jensen in mock slow motion and picked him up bodily off the ground, swinging him around like they were long lost lovers in a 40’s movie. It was hilarious. Jensen remembered the rush of exhilaration of being held so tight by Jared’s powerful arms, the force of the spin making his head feel fuzzy and being bombarded by Jared’s scent as his face was crushed against the big man’s shoulder. 

_What a goon_. 

Jensen was really smiling now, at the memory, opening his eyes he was startled to find that his body seemed to have another reaction to his line of thinking. He felt his face flush as he realized he had just sprung wood at the thought of his best friend. Shaking his head, he looked down and addressed his hard throbbing cock. 

“What the hell are you thinking little man? It’s just Jared. No accounting for taste, I suppose. Time for you to go back into hiding though, I got places to be.”

If possible the attention he was giving it made him even more tumescent. Jensen shivered as the spray from the shower passed over his hard on, making it ache. His hips gave an involuntary thrust at the contact, and a ghost of pleasure made Jensen shiver under the warm water. It had been a while, Danneel was getting so big she said it was uncomfortable to make love, so Jensen had been patient and taken care of himself most mornings after she had gotten up to make them breakfast or go out with a friend. Still, no substitute for the real thing. 

He looked through the shower glass at the clock mounted on the wall above the vanity. He had some time; the car wouldn’t be here to pick him up until five. Giving in to his mounting desire he began to lazily stroke himself as he leaned back against the cold shower tiles. 

He closed his eyes and pictured one of his favorite images: Danneel from her Maxim magazine shoot, wearing short shorts, sitting in a top down Caddy with nothing but a black lacy bra on top. Just enough cleavage showing and her hands, oh, her hands were pulling her shorts down revealing the top of her cute little ass. He loved that shot. Teased her for months about how he wished he’d taken it so he didn’t have to share the spank material with thousands of prepubescent boys in bathrooms around the country whacking off to his wife. 

He imagined he was sitting there in the car with her, running his hands through her long brown,…no RED hair looking deep into her hazel eyes… her eyes were hazel? Brown? Oh god he was a terrible husband.

He opened his eyes, shaking his head. He glanced over at the shower gel and decided to speed up the process with a little lubrication, he poured some into his palm rubbing it between his hands and then grasping himself in his newly slicked fingers he began a punishing rhythm. Working his shaft with one had he grasped his balls with the other gently working them around in his soapy hand making his whole body tingle as he stroked. He gasped a bit at the intensity of the sensation. 

Closing his eyes again he started picturing toned flesh, tight jeans, strong hands grasping him the same way he was grasping himself…. Jensen’s breathing became more ragged as he felt tight hotness of orgasm rushing toward him. He fisted his cock harder squeezing and turning at the head, running the inside of his knuckles over and over the bundle of nerves on the underside of the head. 

His thoughts became less formed, thinking only of warmth and smiles and hazel eyes and those pretty, pretty dimples around that full mouth, oh, that mouth on his cock, god, yes! Jensen felt the tightening of his balls and was overwhelm by the thundering flash of sensation as he tumbled into his orgasm mindlessly shouting:

“Oh God, JARED!” 

Nearly losing consciousness from the head rush, he pushed himself back against the shower tile locking his knees as he came; the pulsing of his cock matching the pulsing of his breathing. He watched through hazy eyes as his seed was washed down the drain with the soap suds running off his body. 

“Holy shit, that was intense.” 

He tried not to think about the fact that he had just screamed his best friend’s name, while imagining his mouth on his cock. Because that’s not something that heterosexual married people do. But then he had been fairly frustrated lately and perhaps his brain was just looking for some strange. It didn’t have to mean anything. Probably just a passing fantasy brought on by the fact he was thinking about Jared when he first stepped into the shower and his weirdo brain just took that and ran. Sure. Completely reasonable. Nothing weird at all. 

“Yeah, right.” 

_Also talking to yourself is completely normal, right Jensen?_

He rubbed his very clean smelling palm across his face. Then he stood under the shower head to rinse the rest of the soap and residue off before turning off the stream and grabbing a towel off the rack as he stepped out. 

_Time to get ready and go see my WIFE. Yeah the WOMAN I’m married to, ‘cause I am a totally normal heterosexual male._

He looked at himself in the foggy mirror as he thought it and watched his own expression. 

_God, I am such a head case._

He turned and headed to the closet to get dressed.


	3. Chapter 3

He was nervous. Why the hell was he nervous? It was just Jared. 

It’s not like they were planning anything special, just a random impromptu visit from his best friend, who was having marital problems and needed the one person in the world he could curl up with and just be himself around. Well, ONE person seemed a bit self-important, Jared had an amazing group of family and friends back home in Texas; all of whom he had forgone, only to jump on a plane and fly halfway across the country to see Jensen. 

Like it or not, that meant something. Jensen had no idea what, but that was making him nervous. 

He beat out a rhythm on the steering wheel as he looked around again for the unmistakable form of the gentle giant he was picking up. Then Jensen spotted him; suitcase dragging behind, man-purse slung across his chest. He was wearing a plaid shirt and baggy blue jeans, he looked exhausted. 

When he saw Jensen and his whole face lit up like fireworks on Fourth of July or a yule log at Christmas. Jared’s posture straightened and a visible weight lifted from his brow. Jensen felt the change in himself, too. The energy that always happened between them, lit them both from inside, and responded to the other. 

Jensen felt like a screen had been removed from his vision, as if he’d been looking at the world with blinders and then somebody just ripped them off. His body sang with anticipation as he got out of the car and tried not to run like a girl into his friend’s arms. 

“God, Jare you look like hell, man.”

“Jen, oh Jesus, Jen, you have no idea how glad I am to see you.”

They stood together with Jared’s arms wrapped around Jensen in a full bear hug and Jensen, due to the awkward placement of Jared’s over the shoulder bag, half turned into his friend with his left hip and arm crushed against Jared’s torso and his right arm wrapped around his back. They stayed that way for two full breaths. A little longer and people would start to stare or worse take pictures. Jensen stepped back first keeping his right hand on Jared’s shoulder and looking up into his friend’s face. 

“How you doin’? Why the surprise visit?”

Jared’s face immediately fell, a neutron star collapsing in on itself. 

“Not here, Jen. Let’s just get somewhere we can talk.”

Jensen was shocked at the change in Jared’s face, whatever this is, it was bad. And it was making him sick to think what could have happened to make his normally bright, happy, prankster buddy turn into this morose, contemplative husk. 

“Sure, sure, man. Wherever you want to go.” Still holding Jared’s shoulder he turned and guided him toward the car. 

Jensen popped the trunk and Jared put his bags inside while Jensen got in and started the engine. Jared sat in the passenger seat and grimaced as his knees hit the dashboard. 

“Shit Jensen! Did Danneel sit here last?”

Jensen shot him a wry grin. “Nope gigantor, I did. The seat adjuster is next to your right butt cheek, ass.”

Jared shot him a million dollar smile and cracked “You’re just jealous because I have legs that go on for daaaaays.”

“I thought that was your mouth, jerk.” 

“Bitch.” Jared responded in kind. 

Smirking Jensen signaled and pulled out into traffic, speeding away into the night. 

******

 

They were sitting in a booth in the back of a steakhouse in the Valley, a complete hole-in- the-wall; miles away from anyone who would recognize them or care. Jared had two plates in front of him both piled high with meat, potatoes, asparagus, and gravy. A basket of rolls sat between the plates and he had, what could only be described as a trough, of Coca-Cola in front of him. He was putting away the food like he hadn’t eaten in a month. 

“Nice to see that whatever’s on your mind hasn’t affected your appetite.” Jensen quirked a half smile across the table, lazily sipping his beer. 

“Shut up dude, you know they don’t feed you on the airlines anymore and flying makes me hungry.”

Jensen waited in companionable silence as Jared finished the first plate of steak and potatoes and then paused to take a gigantic gulp of soda before ravaging the next platter.

“So, you cool with staying at the house while you’re here? I could use the company. Seems like these days Dani is always out and about with her buddies. I guess she’s trying to live it up before the baby girl drops and we become diaper-matics.” 

Jensen didn’t mean for that to come out as bitter as it sounded. He really didn’t begrudge Danneel her extracurricular activities. He just wished she showed some sign of slowing down; she was going to be a mother for Christ’s sake!

Jensen was staring down at the table in front of him, in his own head. He didn’t see Jared stop with his fork halfway between the plate and his open mouth to stare at Jensen, intently. 

“Jensen..are you okay?” 

Startled from his reverie Jensen looked across the table at Jared, amazed that in his state of obvious emotional duress he was still so caring and concerned for Jensen’s own welfare. 

“Sure Jare, of course. Yeah, don’t worry about me; you have enough on your plate.” 

He made a gesture to the still uneaten steak and potatoes in front of Jared, trying to dismiss the mood with a cavalier smirk and a bad pun. 

But Jared didn’t take the bait. He put his fork down, uneaten bite of steak, potatoes, and gravy making a brownish red smudge on the table top as he did. Jared reached across the table, and grabbed the hand that Jensen didn’t have wrapped around his beer. He looked at him intensely, his head slightly cocked to one side. 

“You’re not.” Jared said it so matter-of-factly that Jensen felt it down to his core. More than that, he realized, of course, that Jared was right. And that scared him. Jensen broke from Jared’s gaze, shifting his eyes to glance out the window at the empty street and parked cars on the curb.

“Dammit, Jared. This is not about me and my problems; you came out here to deal with YOURS.”

“Your problems ARE my problems.” Again so matter- of-fact. 

Jensen scrubbed his free hand across his face and into his dark blonde hair. Jared’s eyes never left Jensen as he shifted uncomfortably under the glare of those piercing hazel eyes. 

“I don’t know Jare, it’s just that…Danneel lives here in LA year round, she has all these friends and places to go and things to do. I come back from filming and I just feel like I’m in the way. We’re about to embark on this huge, life-changing event and I don’t even….I’m not part of her decision making process. She already picked out all the baby stuff while I was away; she goes out like EVERY day to shop, all day. We barely eat dinner together anymore. Then before I know it she’s in bed passed out and she doesn’t want to be intimate.” Jensen’s eyes shift up to the ceiling, the lamp, the wall behind the booth, anywhere but on Jared’s face. 

“Hell, I think I talk more to myself than I do to her. We had a better relationship when I was Skyping her in Vancouver. It’s just lonely. I got married so I wouldn’t be lonely. I sit in the house by myself with the dogs and I think about how much I miss you and the crew and how I can’t wait to get back to…” 

He stared at the table in front of him, then finished quietly, “..my home.” 

Jensen takes a deep breath having let out the entire litany in almost a single one. His eyes still haven’t met Jared’s. He glances up and sees nothing but compassion and love coming from his friend, who is still holding his hand. 

“This is so fucked up. I’m going to be a dad in a few weeks and my wife and I are practically strangers.”

As he speaks Jensen sees something else flare in Jared’s eyes. Something carnal and… familiar. Jensen let’s go of Jared’s hand. Downing his beer in one long swallow. 

“Say something Jared, please.”

Jared looks at Jensen, and smirks. “You know something Jen? I think both our wives would do just fine without us. So what do you say we decide to have some fun of our own?”

Jensen considers, then smiles. 

“Let me stop by the house and pack a bag.” Jared jumped up and threw down enough cash to cover twice their tab. 

“You know, we can be in Vegas by morning if we leave now.” 

“Hell yes we can.” Jensen smiled. It felt good. Anymore, it seemed like he only smiled like this when Jared was around. Not that it meant anything. 

As they were walking out to the car he had a flash of memory from this afternoon’s shower. He ran his hands over his lips as he felt a twitch against the denim of his jeans. Shaking his head, he looked over at Jared who was watching him intently a smile playing over his lips. 

“You’re not getting cold feet are you pretty boy?”

Jensen smiled back. “Cold feet, huh? You gonna shotgun wedding me while we’re in Sin City?”

“You can’t rape the willing, Jen.” Jared’s eyes flashed with heat as he stared Jensen down. A promise was behind those eyes. 

Jensen’s cock filled even more and pressed against the cold zipper of his jeans. Shit he was in trouble. There was no way Jared was thinking, what Jensen was thinking. He was misreading all the signals. It was just the same flirting and playful banter they always gave each other, nothing more. Jensen looked down breaking the heat of Jared’s stare. 

“Well I, for one, have a date with some dice.” He mumbled lamely, climbing into the driver’s seat. 

He cranked the radio up to a country station and made Jared laugh until he was breathless as he sang along with Taylor Swift’s “I’m Feeling 22”. The sound of Jared’s giggles drowned out Taylor’s high voice as the car drove off into the night.


	4. Chapter 4

The desert wind rushed into the car as the powerful black steel frame cruised through the night. The comfortable rumble of a powerful V8 sank into their bones through the bench seat. Jared had a grin a mile wide on his face and Jensen was spending more time watching the stars than the road as they drove. It was rare that their real lives paralleled their characters; Sam and Dean were, after all very different people from Jensen and Jared. However, in this moment, driving through the night at a high rate of speed, in a piece of Detroit steel from the almost half a century ago, they both felt like the Winchesters rode with them. Jensen could feel Dean behind his eyes; grinning like an idiot at the powerful rush of speed he produced by pressing the accelerator. Dean’s calm bravado permeating his flesh as the stress of the last few months flew away as the miles between he and his wife grew longer. He felt cocksure, cavalier, and most dangerous of all, wild. He could see the same feeling reflected in Jared, whose long legs were stretched out in front of him, his shoulders relaxed and leaning into the warm breeze that made his long chestnut tresses waver and whirl. 

The car was a last minute addition to their road trip, a forced accession, though not an unwelcome one.   
They had driven across the city to Malibu, making it to Jensen’s door in record time. LA was never quiet but at midnight there was often a lull in the traffic flow, since most of the drivers who worked were at home and most of the late night party crowd was closing down the bars and clubs. 

Jensen was careful not to make too much noise as he made his way into the house. The dogs lifted their heads; ears turned to alert angles, and blearily gazed at him as he passed. Once they determined no real threat was present they returned to the sprawled, boneless slumber only animals and small children seem to be able to achieve. Jensen crept up the stairs and peeked into the bedroom, where he saw the familiar lump of his wife in the center of their California king. He thought about waking her but decided against stirring up trouble before he had packed. Always better to ask for forgiveness than permission he thought grimly. He went down the hall and opened the door to his office, grateful, for once, that Danneel had insisted that they both have separate walk in closets in the suite of rooms that occupied the upstairs corner of their home. He stepped into the oversized closet and turned on the light switch.  
He threw a couple pairs of jeans and boxers into an overnight bag, pulled down a dress shirt and two worn t-shirts. He considered footwear for a moment before deciding on his dress boots and he shoved two pairs of socks inside each one. Finally, as an afterthought, added his bathing suit, just in case though he wasn’t much for swimming. Then he made his way into the bathroom, carefully closing the door to the master bedroom before turning the light on, he could hear Danneel snoring lightly on the other side of the Jack and Jill restroom that separated Jensen’s closet/office and their bedroom. He packed a toiletry bag with the efficient precision that comes from years of travel experience. 

When he could no longer avoid the inevitable he steeled himself and entered their bedroom to gently shake Danneel awake.   
“mmmmf….Jensen?” Danneel had the imprint of the pillow emblazoned on her cheek, a tiny line of drool drying on her chin, and her hair was prettily mussed. Jensen thought she looked adorable. 

“Hey, baby, I’m sorry to wake you.” Danneel sat up on her elbows, reaching for Jensen to pull him into bed, then she stopped when she realized he was still wearing his clothes. 

“Jens..aren’t you coming to bed?” Jensen hesitated for a moment, the high of a half-baked plan to run off to Vegas in the middle of the night decidedly paled in comparison with snuggling his beautiful, warm wife until the sun rose in the morning. But then he remembered the look on Jared’s face, and how they still hadn’t talked about why he dropped everything to come visit him, apropos of nothing. 

“No baby, actually, Jared and I are going take off for a few days, he’s having some trouble with Genevieve and he really needs a friend.” Danneel sat up straight, even in the dimness of the room Jensen could see her face change. 

“So his answer is for you to piss off your wife in commiseration?” Her tone was cutting. Jensen knew this wouldn’t be easy, but he was hoping she might be a little sympathetic if he told her about Jared’s problem’s at home. He was obviously wrong. 

“I’m not trying to piss you off, Dani. I’m trying to be there for my friend. He flew in to see me and he’s pretty wrecked. It won’t be for too long; just a couple days, then I’ll be back I promise.”

“And why the hell do you have to do this in the middle of the fucking night?” Jensen stopped. It was impossible to answer rationally, he thought of a hundred lame excuses. _It just FEELS right. Jared needs this now. I am sick of sitting around all day and this seems much more exciting. Because I WANT to. It may be my last chance to do something reckless for a very long time….._

In the end he went with an old standby. “I just do.” He felt more than saw Danneel’s eyes narrowing at him. He interrupted her before she could launch into a rant about being irresponsible or whatever that look meant. 

“Look Dani, I need this too, OK? You have all these people who you spend time with, and I really haven’t done that at all, you know? I haven’t wanted to. But the baby will be here before we know it, and neither of us will have the chance to do much but change diapers for a while after that. Please…” Jensen ran his hands through his hair, trying to make her understand, “please just let me have this.”

Danneel’s mouth closed with an audible snap. She stared hard at her husband in the dark, Jensen could hear her breathing. Finally she sighed. “Alright, if this is what you boys need to blow off some steam, who am I to stand in the way of the power of J2?” 

Jensen smiled at her, her pragmatism was one of her best qualities and usually she was the one who began and ended their fights because of it. He was happy this time had been no exception. He kissed her then. Properly. Deep and wet and full of heat. She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him in, his hand automatically resting on the bump of her swelling belly. When they broke the kiss they were both a little breathless. He held her for a moment kissing her neck and face. “Thank you.” She looked at him and smiled. He pulled away and started to make for the door, but her voice brought him to a halt.

“One thing...” Jensen turned warily back toward her, waiting for the caveat. “I am going to need my car. I can’t be without transportation…in case of emergency.” She smiled again her hand ghosting across her stomach. 

“Yeah, uh, sure, of course, babe. We’ll…figure something out.” Jensen rubbed the back of his neck as he began to wrack his brain for a way to get a rental car this time of night. 

“I love you Jens. Have a safe trip, OK? Call me lots.” Danneel was lying back down as she said this, sleep already returning to her voice.

“I will. I love you too, baby.” Jensen grabbed his bag and made for the stairs. Not sure what to do next but happy that he had left on good terms with his wife. 

*****

It turned out that Jared, social butterfly extraordinaire, knew a stunt driver from the show, whose brother owned a classic car rental place in Santa Monica. And who just so happened to be a night owl and willing to pick them up. So two phone calls and a short drive later James Chase drove them into his sprawling rental lot. 

“We really appreciate this James, your brother is a hell of a friend and I hope we get to be buddies too.” Jared always made friends where ever they went, so Jensen had no doubt this man was going to become part of the extended Supernatural family. James cut the engine and all three of them hopped out of the car.   
“It’s really no big deal guys, I deal with celebs all the time, some people just need a car in the middle of the night, and I am more than happy to provide…”

James continued walking, talking to himself because Jared and Jensen had both stopped and were gaping at the car sitting on a raised platform in the corner of the lot.

“Hey guys. Did I lose you already? I thought you might be in the mood for a nice piece of German engineering…guys?”

Jensen was the first to turn to James but Jared was the first to speak.

 

“That one. We’ll take that one.” 

James followed Jared’s long arm with his eyes and saw the car he was indicating with his graceful fingers. 

James smiled. “Yeah, that would figure for you two, huh? Alright I’ll write it up and bring her down. You know she’s a gas guzzler right?”

Jensen and Jared looked at each other and shrugged. It was too close to fate to get hung up on mileage. 

James left them to take care of the particulars then roared up less than ten minutes later in the ‘67 Impala. Jensen put the car on his credit card and signed for the rental. Jared protested but then offered to pick up the hotel bill in Vegas to make up for it. 

They threw their luggage in the trunk. _Big enough to hold a body_ Jared remembered Eric Kripke saying over and over again. He smiled. 

Jensen slid behind the wheel and Jared stretched out next to him, they slammed their doors at the same time, waved to James as they pulled out onto the road. And put the pedal to the metal toward Vegas.


	5. Chapter 5

Jensen flipped the radio off; disgusted with the lack of selection in the open arid expanse they were driving through. 

“I don’t suppose there’s any cassettes in that glove compartment?” 

Jared rummaged around the small glove box, with no luck. Then inspiration hit him and he reached under the seat. He exhaled a whuff of triumph. “Got em’!”

Jared pulled a shoe box full of cassettes out from under the bench seat. 

“Woah we hit the motherload! Foreigner, Toto, Sabbath, Zeppelin, Journey..”

Jensen grinned. “We are so rocking to some Steve Perry.” 

Jared started singing in an off-key falsetto, “Don’t stop beleeeeevin’, hold on to that feeeeeelin’!”

“Hey, hey! I said I wanna hear Steve Perry sing, not some giant doofus from San Antonio.”

“Oh shut up dude, you’re just jealous of my amazing vocal range.” Jared grinned as he slid the cassette home and the sounds of _Wheel In The Sky_ came roaring out of the speakers. 

“You have many talents, my friend, but singing, is not ever gonna be one of ‘em.” Jensen said jovially. 

“Well I will just have to show you all the other things I can do with my mouth.” Jared responded with a wink that almost made Jensen drive off the road. 

Jensen cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes to avoid making eye contact with Jared. Searching for anything to take his mind off of the innuendo his co-star had just flippantly sent his way. Giving up he just started pounding out the rhythm on the steering wheel and singing along. 

As an actor they are trained to have excellent peripheral vision, so he saw Jared staring at him even if he didn’t glance over to acknowledge it. He felt the heat of that gaze; it made him start to sweat, despite the air that was circulating through the open windows. He glanced at this watch; they’d been driving for a little over two hours. 

“Probably make Vegas by sunrise.” He commented, wincing at the strained sound his voice made as it came out of his mouth.

“Assuming we don’t stop.” Jared said it so casually; Jensen almost believed that he meant it as an innocent comment. But then he swore he saw a look that cross Jared’s face as he spoke. It was wistful, raw, and carnal. 

“You need a bathroom break?” He replied, to address the surface meaning of Jared’s comment. 

Jared shifted in his seat. “No, I don’t need to relieve myself that way.”

Jensen startled. The unspoken half of that comment drove a shivering spike of desire down his spine. He knew they were getting into dangerous territory; this was not a topic he a Jared ever really talked about. He wasn’t going to talk about it. But that didn’t mean his body didn’t respond to the heavy double entendre that Jared was plying. 

Jensen coughed. “Uh, well I could use some coffee so let’s pull over at the next rest stop all right?” 

Jared smirked and casually lifted his arm to drape over the back of the seat, brushing Jensen’s shoulder as he did. Jensen felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up as a nervous flutter developed in his stomach. The thoughts running through his head made him feel like he was going crazy. He had kissed his wife goodbye less than a few hours ago and now the mere proximity of his best friend and co-star was… He didn’t even complete the thought. 

Jensen shook his head to clear it and tried to switch gears.

“So, uh, we got plenty of time, and it’s just the two of us. You want to talk about what happened between you and Gen?”

It was Jared’s turn to look startled. He pulled his arm back and sat more upright in his seat. His arms now folded around his waist, holding himself like a child trying to self- comfort. 

“No Jen. I need to have massive amounts debauchery readily available if we’re going to have that conversation.” He smiled wryly. “We should play a game, instead.”

Jensen glanced over at Jared, who had relaxed his posture a bit, his hands now placed on the inside of his thighs. He looked… Jensen gulped…provocative. 

Jared’s eyes glittered with mischievous light, waiting for Jensen’s answer.

“A game, huh? Not too many cars out here for us to play license plate bingo with at this time of night.” 

Jared’s eyes flashed as he chuckled. “Well this one is more scattegories, with a twist.” 

“OK M. Night what’s the twist?” Jensen cracked, relieved to be moving away from the mine field of dangerous flirtations and taboo topics they had been discussing.

“Well I figure we stick to one category and we just name as many as we can think of...winner starts the next category.” 

“That is nigh on enigmatic!” Jared shot him a dirty look. 

“Fine, seems simple enough, who picks the first category?” 

Jared makes a fist and Jensen automatically takes his right off the wheel to match Jared’s rhythm as they count, “One, two, three. Shoot!”

Jensen throws scissors, Jared throws rock. Jared pumps his fist in victory as Jensen scowls. 

“Alright, Edward Nigma, get on with it, what’s the topic?” 

Jared crossed his arms smugly and then his mouth formed and caressed the words. 

“Sexual positions.”

Jensen almost drove off the road for the second time in an hour. “Aww, hell. Really, Jare?”

Jared looked at him long and hard, Jensen felt the blush creeping up his face. Just to stop that intense gaze he muttered, “Fine. Uh, Missonary.”

Jared grinned, teeth white in the tan span of his dimpled flesh. “So boring, Jen. How about some reverse cowgirl?”

“Doggy style.” Jensen’s tone was terse, his face getting more flushed. 

“Hmm, scissoring.” Jensen raised his eyebrow and Jared chuckled. “Not just for lesbians man.”

Jensen was having trouble concentrating on the road or really anything besides the images of these positions flashing through his mind, he felt a familiar stirring in his jeans. 

“Your turn Jen.” 

Jensen stammered, “Uh, uh, side saddle!” 

Jared grinned, “I knew you had to have something less vanilla in your arsenal.” Jensen blushed from his forehead to his shoulders. 

“The Viennese Oyster.” 

“C’mon man, don’t be making shit up!” Jensen exclaimed a little too loudly. 

Jared looked at Jensen and then proceeded to explain, in visceral detail, what the position entailed. 

“Oh my god, dude! How do you know this shit?” 

Jared shrugged, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.” 

If possible Jensen flushed more at that. His cock was now straining against his jeans and every time he shifted his foot on the accelerator a tingle of want flew up his synapses, making him suck his breath in and purse his lips. 

“Your go, Jen.”

“S-s-sixty-nine.” Jensen had a bead of sweat rolling from his temple down his cheek. His heart was racing. 

“You really know the whole high school playbook of bedroom moves don’t you?” Jared cracked. 

“Shut up with the color commentary, man! I don’t know what half the shit I do in the bedroom is called! Unlike some people, I prefer to spend more time fucking and less time studying!”

Jared was grinning again. “OK so why don’t you just describe the position and I’ll tell you what it’s called?”

Jensen did briefly go off the road at that. Sand and dust flying up into Jared’s open window, making both of them cough. 

“You okay, Jen?” Jared said when he’d stopped coughing. 

“I’m fine.” Jensen replied shortly. A visible vein stood out on his neck, his hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles flashed white and all the tendons stood out in red relief. 

“You wanna keep playing?” Jared sounded a little chastened. 

Jensen stared straight ahead, not answering. A sign indicated they had five miles to Baker, in the center of Death Valley. Jensen pushed the Impala to ninety and when the exit came up fast he took the off ramp at seventy nearly flipping the car in his haste to pull around the corner and into the first 24-hour truck stop just off the highway. Not looking at Jared he slammed the car into park, pulling open the door and rushing inside past the cashier and straight toward the restroom/shower sign. He checked all the stalls before locking the door to the men’s restroom and pushing the _Guess Your Weight!_ machine against it for good measure. 

Only after this did Jensen really let himself feel the desperation that had been building in his body. A deep aching want that he realized with horror had been growing to fever pitch since he picked Jared up at the airport. He was shaking, his breath ripping out of his chest with a freight train rhythm. Before his brain registered what his body was doing he had thumbed open the button on his jeans, pulling the zipper with his other hand and plunging his overheated hands inside to pull out his straining erection. 

He closed his eyes, images flashing in his mind of Jared: bent over in front of him, Jared with his long legs crossed behind his neck in what Jensen now knew was called a “Viennese Oyster”, Jared panting and thrusting and hot. He pulled twice, then three times on his raw dripping cock and he was coming. A grunt filled with the filthy exhalation of raw energy came out of his mouth as he came and came, thinking only of Jared. He collapsed on the filthy restroom floor head pressed against the tile wall, its coolness slowly bringing him back to his senses. Then the pounding began. He could hear Jared outside the door. Worry and fear making his normally soothing baritone a tinny tenor. 

“Jensen! Jensen? Are you alright? Jen? Please let me in!” 

Jensen looked around seeing himself as Jared might if he came through the door at that moment: his pants around his thighs, cock dribbling and softening on his unzipped denim, knees curled under him in a supplicant position facing the yellow tile wall. Come plastered on his fingers, the wall, and the floor next to him. Panting like he had run a marathon; flushed and wanton. 

“Oh god. What the hell is wrong with me?” He almost let a sob escape his lips. But he knew he had moments before his gigantic friend either tried to break down the door or called the cops to do it for him. 

So he willed himself to standing. Tucking his cock away he zipped and buttoned his jeans, checking to see if he was stained with his own semen. He grabbed a stack of paper towels from the sink and wiped off the evidence of his orgasm from the walls and floor. Then he splashed cold water over his face until his flush went down. 

Finally he dragged the machine out of the way and unlocked the door.

He didn’t have time to breath before Jared was on him. 

“Jesus Jen, are you ok?” Jared’s paws mauled his flesh pulling at his hair pinching his face, roving all over his body, checking him for injuries, making sure he was whole. Jensen stood there and took it, willing it not to mean anything, willing the touches to be sterile, medical, not sensual. 

When Jared had determined to his satisfaction that Jensen wasn’t physically injured he pulled the smaller man into his arms and held him. Jensen tried to hold back the quavering sob that he wanted so badly to release but Jared knew him too well. He felt the tremor of the emotion without even seeing Jensen’s face. 

“It’s OK, man. Let it go. I’m here.” And that was all it took. Jensen was sobbing, collapsing into Jared’s warm embrace, letting him hold them both up. He felt his world crumble into the strength of Jared’s body. He gave up, gave in, and let the inevitable truth hit him: He was in love with his best friend. 

And Jared didn’t know, couldn’t know. He could never tell him. So he wept, he wept until he felt completely wrung out, like he’d lost a pound of water weight through his tear ducts. He wept until Jared’s shirt was soaked to the skin with his tears. And all the while his friend, his love, held him and soothed him; whispering sweet nothings and comfort. 

Jared didn’t ask him to explain. He didn’t push him away. They stood together for what seemed like hours until Jensen was calm enough to step away. His eyes downcast; embarrassed and shy.   
Jared reached out and turned Jensen’s face up to meet his hazel eyes. Jensen reluctantly looked into Jared’s eyes. And he saw nothing but love, and understanding there. Jensen felt that look crackle like lightening in his bones. For a moment, Jensen dared to hope. But he pulled back into himself. 

“C’mon Jare, I need coffee, and we should get back on the road.” 

Jared smiled softly, his hand still clasped under Jensen’s jaw. His stroked his thumb over Jensen’s stubble before he dropped his hand to his friend’s shoulder. Giving him a half hug, Jared let the moment slip away. But he knew what he’d seen in Jensen’s gaze. And it made him happy. For now it was enough. 

They walked back out into the fluorescent horror of the 3 AM truck stop crowd. A part of both of them wanted to hold hands, but they settled for walking close enough to brush against each other as they made their way through the aisles. Caffeinated and refueled they pulled back onto the highway, no more games needed to pass the time since both men were deeply immersed in their own thoughts. Thoughts of each other.


	6. Chapter 6

There is no city like Las Vegas on planet Earth, rising like a sci-fi fantasy oasis out of the bleak abyss of the desert. It has an energy that is palpable, more than the bazillion watts of electricity used to fuel its neon lights, more than the combined lust of a million johns, more than the strife of a thousand thousand losses, or the elation of a smaller, but more triumphant number of epic wins; it IS the city of sin. No holds barred, no request refused, no fantasy unfulfilled. In a way, it was the only place where Jensen and Jared could have had THE conversion. An epicenter of want. 

They drove up the Bellagio, the world famous fountain spouting in time to a Celine Dion song piped through mounted speakers along the pathways. The soaring limestone edifice invoked imagery of pleasure palaces from time immemorial. The boys grabbed their bags and leaving the keys with a valet made their way to the sprawling front desk. They passed the ringing sounds of the slot machines and crossed the wide expanse of marble tiles that gave way to sumptuous, blood-red carpeting. 

As they approached the desk, unconsciously close to each other, arms brushing together too often to pass as accidental, the desk attendant looked up and cocked one perfectly manicured eyebrow at the two of them. 

“Welcome to the Bellagio, my name is Thomas. How can I help you gentlemen?”

His voice swished over the syllables with a practiced cadence, a slight lisp implied but not really fully realized. Jensen gave him a once over, appraising the moderately expensive suit and tie; the perfectly manicured nails and facial hair; and the slight smirk on the man’s full lips. 

“Yeah, we need a room. For a couple of nights.” Jensen spoke rapid fire and curt. His nerves were riled to the breaking point by lack of sleep and the rocking revelation he had in a gas station about 150 miles back. 

“Certainly sirs… and would you prefer two double beds or a queen?” The smirk was now more pronounced. 

Jensen’s eyes flashed murderously. He barely restrained himself from reaching across the counter and grabbing the simpering man by his lapels to shake him. 

Jared saw the oncoming storm and stepped in front of Jensen to take over the proceedings. Jensen flushed at Jared’s proximity and stepped back to examine the giant fountain in the lobby, some neo-classical knock off. A gaudy representation of Neptune and water nymphs spewing water from various orifices. 

He rubbed his hand over his eyes tiredly. The trip had been more wearing than he could have possibly imagined. He needed a nap, a meal, and copious amounts of whiskey to feel like himself again. He wasn’t sure in which order those should be proscribed but he had a feeling his stomach growling indicated that food should be paramount. 

He gazed at the naked marble man a top the fountain, dramatically reaching out to grasp his trident, a phallic symbol itself, and he felt his body tingle with unasked for arousal. Jesus, he was losing his mind! About to sport wood looking at a nude man carved out of rock in a damn hotel lobby! He really needed to sleep. 

Jensen felt Jared before he saw him; the man’s presence seemed to be hard wired in to his very flesh. The hackles at the back of his neck rose and his blood rushed quickly to his groin. He breathed deeply, willing away the flush he knew was creeping into his cheeks. 

“Jen, you ready? They put us up in a suite.” Jared grasped Jensen’s shoulder, the touch ran riot through the smaller man’s frame. 

“Hey, Jen, you OK?” Jared smiled at his friend, his eyes glittering in the warm casino light. 

Jensen glanced up at Jared, imagining for a moment that Jared’s pupils had blown wide when observing Jensen’s obvious blush. Before Jensen could confirm that cursory assessment Jared was handing him his bag and had turned to make his way to the elevator bank down the hall. 

“You coming? Or do you need a moment with ol’ Poseidon there?” 

“Jared, don’t act like you ain’t got a bit o’ trident envy, yourself.” Jensen drawled. 

Jared rocked back with laughter then turned to push the button for the elevator. If his eyes had stayed on Jensen for a second longer he might have seen the ghost of desperation peek out from behind the liquid agate green of his friend’s eyes. He might have also glimpsed the way those eyes raked over Jared’s body, like an invisible touch. 

_Seriously fucked in the head Jensen. You are seriously fucked in the head._

Jensen rolled his shoulders, adjusting his thoughts to the task at hand, steeling himself for a weekend of unrequited desire; he followed Jared into the elevator up toward their rooms.   
******

The way Jared groaned was almost pornographic. He sat back, his hands rubbing his distended belly. He carefully placed his feet up on the table avoiding the detritus of the room service tray which had remnants of a smorgasbord’s worth of steak and eggs, biscuits and gravy, bacon, homefries, and an entire carafe of coffee. 

Jensen tried not to be turned on by the auditory stimulation and the choice view of a relaxed and sated Jared sprawled out on the giant couch in their suite. 

Jensen finished buttering his second slice of toast with orange marmalade and sat back in a very comfortable recliner to enjoy his feast. His eyes scanning the room to avoid making contact with the one place they gravitated to naturally, Jared’s face.

“Jen, I am so full, awww, it feels sooo good.” 

Jensen nearly choked to death on his toast. His eyes widened so far, he feared they might actually escape from their cage inside his skull. He stared at Jared, unabashedly, since the younger man’s eyes were still closed as he lazily ran those long, powerful fingers over his abdomen. There was no way Jared meant that to sound as dirty as it did in Jensen’s perverted mind. 

Jared shifted then. He swung his long legs toward the couch lengthwise, pivoting on his tail bone and then sprawling out in all directions. His silk haired head on one arm rest while his legs hung over the other. His arms splayed akimbo somewhere in the middle. He looked like a pin up from one of those teen magazines. His knees fell open naturally, slightly bent, presenting his groin in the most unintentionally seductive pose. 

Jensen licked his lips to keep from biting them until they bled. All thought of food gone from his mind. He set down the toast on the tray with a single bite out of it. 

His feelings of want were overwhelming. He’d never felt like this, with anyone. He’d lusted after plenty of girls in his time. It had felt different with Dani, that’s why he married her, figuring that that emotion, that connection must be what true love is. Now he knew he’d been wrong. That other emotion was some kind poor facsimile of the real thing. The feeling pulsing inside Jensen as he stared at Jared on that couch was like cold fire. It consumed him. It was vast and bottomless. It made him feel like he was riding the biggest roller coaster in the universe and he was constantly free falling. It coursed through his veins, streamed out of his pores, and blew an energy field out around him a mile wide in every direction. 

He could sense Jared, like he was inside him, not just the physical act of love, but as if their energies had braided themselves together in some kind of ephemeral Gordian knot. It was irresistible, the need to touch Jared at that moment. Anyone who has ever experienced this feeling has acted on it, he knows this is truth. They must. The compulsion is too strong to be in the same space with the other half of your soul. To deny it would be madness, self-immolation. Better to give in, lest they feel themselves ripped apart. 

On his knees, next to the couch where Jared lay, Jensen slotted himself in the negative space between where Jared’s right arm had flopped toward the floor and the place where his right knee hung a few inches off the edge. His face was beatific; relaxed and calm and fast asleep. A reverent hush seemed to have fallen over the whole room as if even the air itself was holding its breath. Jensen had the picture of a prince leaning over to kiss a sleeping beauty flash across his mind, and then he was that prince, he was kissing his beauty. He pressed his full mouth to Jared’s. The silk of his lips skimming across the slightly thicker rougher surface of Jared’s. 

Jensen braced himself one hand on the couch back above the sleeping Jared, and the other next to his head on the arm rest. He lowered himself a fraction of an inch and applied more pressure. Jared’s eyelids fluttered and his mouth began to work beneath Jensen’s ministrations. Still not awake, but not fully asleep, Jared moved his tongue against Jensen’s mouth, sending a flame of hot desire through his nervous system. Jared moaned sleepily. His arms came up to grasp Jensen’s waist, as his hazel eyes flew open. His pupils were blown black, soaking up all the warm brownish-green color that normally occupied that space. Jensen saw the untamed want right there on the surface. He felt Jared pull him in, suck him down into his soul, and entangled them both forever. 

“Ohhhhh, Jared.” Jensen moaned losing himself in the drowning pools of Jared’s intense gaze. 

“Jensen, I… Oh god, Jen. I want you.” Jared grabbed Jensen’s head between his huge meaty palms and pulled him from his knees on top of him on the couch. Their mouths crashed together with more force than the ocean meeting rocky cliffs. The energy spinning between them raised their body temperatures, soaked their flesh in sweat, and washed their minds in the blissful pleasure of imminent release.

They frantically gasped into each other’s mouths, licking, biting, and soaking the other in saliva. Then Jensen tasted something else on Jared skin, the familiar saline tang of tears. Tears were streaming down Jensen’s face; his body overloaded by stimulation, confused by the torrent of emotions that were rapidly firing across his synapses. Relief, shame, elation, pleasure, grief, obsession, and hysteria all mixed together as the dopamine rushed and roared in his blood stream. Jared felt it too. The consequences of their actions would rip them apart as surely as this feeling would push them back together. They were at a turning point in their lives, their relationships, careers, and hearts hung in the balance. 

Neither could think straight, the kept grasping each other flailing against the oppressive weight of this moment. Trying to act on the physical manifestation of their connection as the emotional ramifications bombarded them simultaneously. It was an impossible. Jared continued to kiss Jensen, but slower now, gently, like young lovers might on a first date. Full of trepidation. Finally he stopped and pulled back, looking up into Jensen’s leaking eyes. 

“Oh Jen. I know.” He pulled Jensen flush against him and cradled his head into his own meaty shoulder. “We’ll figure it out. It will be OK.” The trouble was Jared’s voice trembled a bit on that last word. And Jensen felt the uncertainty rock through him with the force of a punch to the gut. 

He pulled back pushing harder than he meant to at Jared, as if he could fight away the feelings. Then he was standing, trying to put himself back together. He walked over to the wet bar against the wall near the entertainment center, running cold water into the little inset sink and splashing it on his burning flesh. He repeated this over and over pausing to watch the water splatter down the drain like baptismal river meant to wash away your sins. 

He felt Jared watching him. Ever the gentle giant, Jared waited patiently for Jensen to speak.

Jensen wiped his face on his rucked up t-shirt. Still not strong enough to face those piercing eyes, he leaned his weight against his arms, his hips pushed back at almost a 45 degree angle. His hands grasping the counter top as a man clinging to a precipice might. 

Jared could see the tension in Jensen’s shoulders; feel the emotions roiling off his friend. He was worried because this wasn’t how he planned for this to go. Jensen had taken the wheel and pushed the car to the red line. And now they were going to have to do the one thing they both had been avoiding for so long….  
Jensen turned around finally, eyes downcast, shoulders hunched, hands in his pockets. 

His voice was rough and broken when he spoke, like gravel over glass. “OK, uh-huhugh…” 

He cleared his throat and started again, this time daring to glance up at Jared sitting motionless on the couch. 

“I mean, OK…we obviously need to talk.”


	7. Chapter 7

Silence is a strange thing, simultaneously soothing and disconcerting. In the modern world it’s rare to find a pocket of true silence, even in the quiet moments of life there is usually some background noise; the pervasive hum of electricity through electronic devices at an nearly inaudible tone, the distant echo of voices across an open expanse, the sounds of life buzzing around you in a forest, true silence is hard to come by. The silence in Jared and Jensen’s suite was absolute. The aforementioned electrical hum was dampened to nonexistence by high efficiency appliances and lighting fixtures, sound proofing in the walls of the luxury suite shut out any chance for random voices to impugn the sanctum, even their breathing seemed hollow and quiet. Jensen’s ears, straining for the some break in the oppressive weight of the quiet magnified the sound of his own heart, a thunderous rhythm that had driven greater men to insanity thudding in his head. 

Minutes ticked by and the silence became a physical thing, a charged atmosphere filled with swirling emotions and unspoken explanations. 

Jensen was too tired for this, by half. He felt his body trembling with exhaustion, coming down from the endorphin high brought on by his contact with Jared. He needed to sleep. But he knew, deep down in the core of his being that sleep would not come, with this between them. 

So he chose to open the door they’d always kept closed.

“I love my wife.” He said it flatly. Bluntly. Trying to roll all of his confusion and trepidation into this one unequivocal statement. It said more than its surface reading. It said, “I’m not gay.” It said, “I don’t cheat.” It said, “This can’t happen.” And Jared knew all of these things, because he felt them too. 

So he said. “This isn’t about that and you know it.”

Jensen looked at Jared with fear in his eyes, feeling the inevitability of this conversation and everything it would do to them. 

Jensen was quiet for a long time. When he spoke next it was with a tremor in his voice. “Why did you come to see me?”

Jared’s forehead contorted in an expression of vexation and angst. He ran his hands through his hair again and again. His posture conveying tension, he was pulled taught like an over tuned guitar string. 

“Genevieve. She…told me that she doesn’t want to…that she can’t… Aww, dammit.” Jared wiped his fingers over his mouth, trying to share what Gen had said with Jensen was not possible. It would be admitting to himself and worse to Jensen that this thing between them wasn’t just real, it was already affecting their lives. It was a heavy weight to place on their already strained friendship. 

Jared got up from the couch and made his way to the mini fridge, pulling out bottles of whiskey and beer from the bar inside. He opened two bottles of Maker’s Mark and downed them in quick succession. His hands were shaking. He chanced a glance at Jensen. The other man was plastered against the wall near the windows, about as far as he could get from Jared without actually stepping out onto the suites’ balcony. 

Jensen waited. Finally Jared turned to him. “What she said doesn’t matter, because it was true before she said it and it’s still true, now. Look Jen...” Jensen flinched at the nickname, suddenly remembering that he called Genevieve by the same moniker, and that…that was such a visceral realization of how deep they really were in each other’s consciousness that Jensen fought a battle with himself to keep from running out of the room that second. 

Jared paused, and saw Jensen warring with himself. Every bone in his body wanted to gather Jensen into his arms and comfort him, tell him it would be alright, that they’d find a way to fix this. But he didn’t know how. So he stood impotent and contemplative until Jensen mastered himself and moved to sit on the edge of the couch Jared had previously occupied. 

Jared changed his tactics. “It doesn’t have to be like this Jensen. We can…” He swallowed audibly. “We can just be friends.” The cliché rang tinny and untrue in his mouth and he saw the disbelief crawl across Jensen’s face before he schooled it back to the morose mask he’d been wearing for the last half hour. 

Jensen put his face in his hands. “You don’t believe that. Hell, I don’t believe that. Whatever this is between us…it’s not something you can ignore. We’ve been trying for…” Jensen stopped, realizing that he might expose too much of himself and his feelings if he quantified it in a time span. 

Had it really been years? Years he’d felt this way? The thought wound around itself in his fragile mind, tearing down walls and raging back over all of his memories of Jared. The smiles, the shoulder cuffs, playing Playstation to all hours of the morning, getting sloppy drunk and falling on each other, laughing between takes, Jared’s shoulder resting comfortably against his own; hundreds of hours of their lives flashed by in a second and as Jared observed Jensen he saw his resolve visibly crumble. Jensen’s eyes went wide, tears brimming in the corners. And despite himself he said what he feared out loud in a hushed exhalation. 

“Years…Jesus, it’s been years.”

And just like that Jared was on him. Crossing the square footage between the kitchenette and the couch in three mile-long strides of his lithe limbs, he grabbed Jensen and pulled him into a crushing kiss. Caution thrown to the wind, the energy between them beyond palpable; they sent off a million kilojoules of violent desire, compressed and compounded by all those years of repression, denial, and avoidance. 

This time there was no stopping, they both had been stripped bare by the few phrases they had just exchanged. All the time they’d spent not talking about this was wasted. They would make up for its loss with this moment. They both knew it may be the only way they could ever really say what they meant to each other. Speaking with out words; using flesh and breath and blood and come to tell the story of the love between them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter, it is inspired by Chuck's soliloquy in Swan Song. At least the intro.

If you are lucky, you get one or two truly great moments in a lifetime. Most people don’t know them when they see them. It’s only in retrospect, that they understand how significant and formative the moment was to their lives. If you asked Jared and Jensen they’d probably say the day they got married was one of those moments. But the truth is, they’ve only had one universally great moment, up to this point, and it was the second the universe aligned to bring together the production of their show, allowing them to meet for the first time. 

Stories of soul mates and true love can be found in lore across centuries in many different nations. Some philosophers believe that the occurrence is simply the reunion of a fractured soul embodied in two vessels. Others believe it is our life force finding its perfect counterpoint, its equal and opposite measure. Regardless of what you believe, it seems to be unequivocally true that human culture is obsessed with great loves like the ones we dub soul mates. We quest for the same feeling for ourselves in our lives. We wish for it, pray for it, leave stable relationships for it. But rarely actually find that person. So we observe the heat of true love’s synergy from a far, basking in the glow of history’s greatest love stories. The love between Jared and Jensen, is one of the greatest loves the world has ever seen. So now we creep closer to the fire as it grows, throwing sparks we hope will catch in our own hearts. 

*****  
Jensen fisted his hands into Jared’s hair, standing on his tiptoes to push his mouth harder against the onslaught of the bigger man’s kisses. He moaned as his teeth gently grazed Jared’s tongue, following it into his mouth with his own. He could taste the whiskey on his palate, the warmth of Jared’s breath heating his face as it was rapidly exhaled through his flaring nostrils. Jared’s hands ran up and down Jensen’s back grabbing and pulling him closer and closer, trying to press their souls into one flesh. 

Jensen pulled back from the kiss staring intently into those hazel eyes he loved so well. Jared’s face was flushed and raw from Jensen’s stubble, his lips swollen to a violent shade of red. His hair was mussed and his whole frame shook as he gasped for breath. He was beautiful. 

Jensen tore Jared’s shirt off his body, buttons flying in six different directions, the cloth ripping audibly as he yanked it over Jared’s broad shoulders and down his toned arms. He launched his assault, a low growl in his throat as he kissed and bit up Jared’s neck, pulling his head down with one hand while fumbling with the fly on his jeans with the other. He nipped Jared’s ear lobe, making him quiver and moan in a guttural aching way, completely different from the moan that had turned Jensen on earlier that morning. This was unmistakably carnal. He continued to lick, suck, and bite Jared’s ear, releasing the back of his head and moving his free hand down Jared’s torso. He skimmed his nails across the vast, open expanses of bronze flesh. Jared arched as his fingertips brushed his left nipple. Jensen grinned, licking gently into Jared’s ear canal he softly blew into the wetness he created there. The effect made Jared’s body rock with pleasure his nipples hardening to little brown raisins of desire. Jensen pinched and twisted Jared’s nipple as he continued to fuck the big man’s ear with his tongue. When he nibbled along the outside of the cartilage he felt Jared arch into him. 

“Ohmigodfuck!” Jared’s eye flew open, his hips rocking forward again and again in involuntary thrusts as his orgasm took him. Jensen pulled away long enough to marvel at the sizeable wet spot forming on the front of Jared’s jeans. 

“Did you just come from a little nipple play and some ear biting?” Jensen asked huskily a bemused smirk ghosting across his sinful lips. 

Jared, still gasping and rocking in the aftermath stared at Jensen with a storm brewing in his eyes. 

“No. I came because it was YOU playing with my nipples and fucking my ear with that hot little tongue.”

Jensen looked taken aback for a second before leaning into kiss Jared again, more gently this time.

Jared cocked his hips back using his hands to finish removing his ruined pants and boxers. He now loomed naked before a fully clothed Jensen. This was a situation that must be remedied. Jared mounted a counterattack, pushing Jensen back onto the couch. He lifted his t-shirt and Jensen helped him shrug it off. Jared admired the planes of Jensen’s torso; strong but softer than his own. He planted his giant head in the middle of Jensen’s belly and slowly began to kiss and lick his way up. He paused at each rib to kiss them individually. He took Jensen’s right nipple in his teeth and began to worry it back and forth pausing to lick and suck it in equal measure. 

It was Jensen’s turn to moan. His hands found Jared’s hair again; pulling gently as Jared continued his ministrations. Jared’s hands in turn were removing Jensen’s pants with a fumbling, but effective, celerity. Jared switched to the other nipple as he lifted Jensen’s hips to help him slide off his jeans and boxers. Jensen kicked the pants off with his shoes and was left naked below Jared, except for his socks. 

Jared explored the newly exposed flesh with reverent hands. His warm palms slid over the skin along Jensen’s sides, down over his hips, up and down his powerful thighs; everywhere but the place where Jensen wanted him to touch. Fear and shame were gone now, replaced instead with lust and desperation. 

“Please…” Jensen gasped. Jared’s eyes flew up to Jensen’s face. The image that he met there would be part of his permanent spank bank. Jensen’s eyes were glazed, his cheeks flush, his perfect pout raw from being kissed too well. A few beads of sweat were forming on his brow as his nostrils flared trying to pull in enough oxygen. He looked utterly debauched, utterly perfect. 

Without further thought Jared sank to his knees, kissing down Jensen’s heated flesh and feeling the twitching anticipation of Jensen’s waiting cock. 

Jared sat back on his haunches, his hands splayed across either side of Jensen’s glistening erection. He’d never given head before, he had never WANTED to before. But now he wanted to make it good for Jensen. So he slowly leaned forward moving one of his large, dexterous hands up Jensen’s length, examining the feel of its silky steel beneath his palm. 

Jensen inhaled sharply holding his breath in anticipation. Jared grasped Jensen’s length and began to run his knuckles and callouses up and down the shaft in a quick rhythm. Then with his eyes locked on Jensen’s face he leaned over and placed the tip in his mouth. 

Jensen shot up like a thousand volts were coursing under his skin. 

“Jared!” He cried, pupils blown wide, eyes glistening. The air he was holding in his lungs forced out in a rapid woosh. 

It was Jared’s turn to smile as he ran his tongue experimentally around the tip of Jensen’s cock, inside his mouth. Jensen began to whimper. Then Jared inhaled and sucked Jensen down his throat. He followed his mouth down with his hand and between the two engulfed all of his friend’s sizeable endowment in his body heat. Jensen moaned like a porn star; deep and wrenching. He closed his eyes because watching Jared go down on him was too much. The visual stimulation had almost made him shoot the second the younger man had approached his erection. 

Jared pulled his mouth back up finding he enjoyed the taste of Jensen in his mouth, thick and musky, salty and bitter; he tasted like passion, like home. He began to rapidly suck Jensen, one hand helping him take the length, the other stroking around his balls, teasing them with ghost-like brushes of rough fingertips. He explored the expanse of Jensen’s perineum; running his nails across it experimentally and feeling his lover buck up into his mouth in response. He reached further back brushing over the tight little nub of Jensen’s hole. 

“Holy shit!” Jensen began babbling nonsense. Jared felt his balls tighten against his forearm as his hips canted up in anticipation of orgasm. Jared pulled his mouth and hands off of Jensen leaving him seconds from completion. Jared reached up and pinned Jensen’s hands above his head. Jensen, out of control with need, cried out in frustration. Attempting to finish the act he wantonly fucked the air in front of him. Looking down at his love, who was broken and begging for completion Jared felt his own desire rush back to its apex. His cock filled to straining almost instantly. 

“Jensen.” He whispered, switching his hold so that one of his hands was free. He stroked his hand down Jensen’s face clasping him under the chin as he had in the truck stop bathroom hours ago. Jensen shivered at the touch, and the intensity of the look Jared was giving him. 

“I want you inside me.” Jared said it so softly Jensen felt the words rather than heard them. His orgasm almost overtook him then. Just the suggestion nearly brought his climax roaring through his body. 

“Oh god, Jay. Oh please.” Jared took that as a yes. He pushed away from the couch rushing to the bathroom and coming back with one of the little travel size lotion bottles they leave for guests. He knelt before Jensen and presented him the bottle. 

“You are going to have to help me with this, Jen. Help me get ready to fuck you.”

Another tremor shook Jensen, the urgency of his orgasm was still rattling around close to the surface. A stiff breeze might send him spilling on to the carpet, let alone the way Jared was looking at him, and what he was asking him to do. 

Jensen pulled Jared up into another heated kiss. They made out until they were both moaning and grinding against each other, their twin passions blazing white hot. Then as Jared began to nuzzle into Jensen’s throat, Jensen flipped the bigger man onto the couch beneath him. Pausing to open the lotion and apply a liberal amount to his fingers, he began to kiss down Jared’s toned torso. His lips felt the rippling muscles beneath the soft, fragrant flesh. He could taste Jared in the back of his throat, and feel him in every pore. He worked his way down to where Jared’s giant-sized cock was waiting, full and pulsing for Jensen to explore with his mouth. 

As he took Jared into his mouth, stretching his kiss bruised lips around his girth; he took his finger and began to circle the rim of Jared’s entrance.

“JEN! Ohhh Jen!” Jensen’s mouth began to slide down his friend’s porn star cock; he mirrored the movement with his finger slowly sliding it into Jared’s heat. 

It was Jared’s turn to thrash and blubber mindlessly. He felt the coolness of the lotion, the strength of Jensen’s finger, and the warm, slide of his mouth all at the same time. His body was humming with ecstasy; rivers of pleasure coursing through his synapses, spiking every time Jensen moved his finger or his mouth. He was a complete slave to the sensation. He wanted more, he wanted everything. 

“More!” Jared gasped. And Jensen obliged by sliding his free hand up and down Jared’s cock as he prepared to breech his hole with two greasy fingers. Jensen slid Jared’s cock all the way to the back of his throat, his hand grasping the base, and then he swallowed experimentally. It was Jared’s turn to shoot up off the couch and as he came back down Jensen pressed two fingers inside of him, moving them back and forth until he found the little node attached to Jared’s pleasure center. 

“AHHUhhh! There, oh there!” Jensen crooked his fingers again this time scissoring them inside until he felt the muscles begin to give. Jared writhed, and bucked, and spewed pre-come down Jensen’s flexing throat. 

Jensen grasped Jared’s balls and gave them a soft tug, gently caressing them as he pulled his mouth off Jared’s cock, replacing it with his free hand as he swallowed and then began to lick and suck at his sack. He pulled his fingers out slowly preparing to push three into Jared’s quivering entrance and then on the next upstroke of his hand he sucked Jared’s balls into his mouth and pressed the fingers inside. 

 

Jared’s moan seemed to shake the entire room, and when Jensen pressed that little spot inside him he felt the balls in his mouth tighten as Jared came for a second time. 

“Well now you owe me two.” Jensen smirked at the ruin of Jared above him. 

He flexed his fingers inside Jared brushing that same spot over and over again. He knew Jared’s cock was too over stimulated to touch but Jensen had a feeling there was a backdoor into another round in that little button deep inside. Soon, and against all odds, Jared’s cock began to fill again. Just as Jared was beginning to moan and writhe beneath his ministrations Jensen pulled his fingers from inside and replaced them with his own tumescent member. Jared’s body was still loose from orgasm, easing the breech as he slid home. 

He looked down at Jared below him. No pain crossed his face only contentment. Jensen sheathed himself to the hilt in his best friend, groaning as the heat and tightness sent sharp shocks of pleasure rushing through him. Then Jared reached up and pulled him down for a deep kiss. 

Jared gasped. “Move. Fuck me Jen, I need you.” 

That was all it took. Jensen began to thrust madly, gliding in and out of Jared’s well prepared hole. Hitting his sweet spot on every stroke, Jared and Jensen gasped together in time, unified as one. A perfect engine, steaming toward completion. 

For Jensen it was the culmination of so much want and repressed emotion. He felt all the unspoken words pooling into a white hot ball in the base of his spine. It grew and pulsed with their movements taking away the pain and shame and uncertainty. It burned through him like holy fire cleaning out the shadows and leaving only light and love. He felt reborn into the holy church of Jared. He wanted nothing more than this forever. 

Jensen’s skin felt too tight, like he could explode out of it at any minute. Jared pulled his hips down toward him ghosting one of his long, beautiful fingers along Jensen’s entrance. 

“Look at me Jen, I wanna see you come.” And he pushed inside. Jensen’s eyes rolled up in his head the force of the pleasure overwhelming his whole being. 

Jared pulled his face down to his with his free hand and their eyes met. 

“I love you.” He said. Then Jensen fell apart.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written circa 2012 and it’s unfinished, probably always will be because I don't feel that way about J2 any more. But that's no reason not to share the smutty, angsty goodness with all of you. Hope you enjoyed it.

Jensen awoke on fire, blazing from the heat of Jared’s body draped over him in a tangled Gordian knot of limbs and dried bodily fluids. 

His vision was blurry and his mouth felt like that of a man who had walked the desert for enumerable days. He struggled against Jared’s splayed mass, wiggling and writhing his way out from under the toned bronze flesh that still rose and fell in the steady rhythm of deep sleep. 

Finally after many minutes Jensen successfully extricated himself from Jared’s sleeping form. He padded his way to the bathroom unabashedly nude. He flicked the light switch and made his way to the sink, rapidly unwrapping one of the glasses provided by the hotel from its sterile packaging. He filled the glass with water from the cold tap and drank it down in three large swallows. Filling it a second time, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror above the marble vanity. He paused halfway to bringing the glass to his lips, lips that were bruised and swollen from the violence of Jared’s kisses. His green eyes assessed the damage of their love making: speckled reddish purple bite marks adorned his neck, violent red scratches marred his shoulders and arms, his pubic hair was matted with sweat and dried come; he looked like he’d been fucked by a grizzly bear. 

Jensen stared at his reflection, barely realizing when the shock at his own appearance made his hand involuntarily release the glass in his hand. The crash and tinkle of broken glass broke his stunned reverie, bringing the crash of realization to fruition in his own mind. 

_Oh, shit! What did I do? What did we do? What am I going to tell Dani? How am I going to explain this? Oh my god. OH MY GOD!_

Jensen sank to his knees on the cold tile of the bathroom floor. His hands grasped his head as if to shut out the noise of his own internal monologue. The weight of realization and consequence pushed him down until he lay in a fetal position, his elbows hugging his knees that were pressed to his chest as he let the desperation and anxiety wash over him. He felt the tears building in tiny pin pricks behind his eyes and then they came rushing down his cheeks in a violent torrent of wet warmth. 

He didn’t realize he was speaking until Jared was standing over him, bedraggled and half asleep, his hair sticking up in odd directions, his face puffy and eyes swollen but full of concern. 

“What am I going to do? What am I going to say? How can I explain this to her? What are we going to do? What are we going to say? How can he explain this to her? Oh my god, ohmygod ohgod ohgodohgodohgod.” 

Jensen was rocking and babbling, only vaguely aware that Jared was there and trying to comfort him. 

Jared knelt beside his love, afraid to touch him, but wanting nothing more than to gather him in his arms and soothe his mind and body. 

“Jen, Jensen. Jensen! It’s OK. It’s OK. We’ll be OK. “Jared repeated the litany over and over again, in response to Jensen’s babble. He reached a tentative hand out and laid his warm palm on the small of Jensen back. Slowly he began to rub small circles there to add a comforting touch in companion with his words. 

They stayed that way for the better part of an hour as Jensen slowly unwound himself under Jared’s ministrations, his knees pulling away from his torso and his hands pulling away from his face to clasp together in a makeshift pillow under his head. He got very quiet. No longer spewing his endless mantra of questions without answers and appeals to a higher power, instead, he just listened to Jared, who never stopped repeating his words of comfort. 

Jensen worked himself up to looking into Jared’s eyes. He knew it would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do. He was so ashamed. So guilty. All the hope and love he had felt mere hours ago had burned away and left nothing but the harsh, inevitable reality of his life. Slowly he turned and sat up. His back facing Jared, his ass flush against the coolness of the white tile and grout. He placed his hands on the ground on either side of his hips, bracing himself to stand, but not completing the motion. 

Jared watched this process, having removed his hands from Jensen as soon as the smaller man had begun to move on his own. Jared stopped speaking and simply waited. He knew this was not a moment to push, that Jensen would speak in his own time. 

The sat like that for a while, both thinking of each other, letting the tension of consequence ebb and flow between them, until it was almost a tangible wall separating their flesh. 

Finally, when Jared was sure he couldn’t take the silence for a moment more, Jensen spoke. He sounded broken and resigned. It hurt. 

“This shouldn’t have happened.”

Jared wanted to argue, to say all the unspoken sweet nothings that lovers say when faced with the insurmountable certainty of a break up, but he knew they wouldn’t mean anything if Jensen had made up his mind. Jared contemplated for a moment, and then decided to lay it all on the line. Go big or go home, as his daddy always said.

“Jensen, I...I don’t feel that way. I have wanted you since I first laid eyes on you. Gen kicked me out because of it. She didn’t want to share my heart with you.” 

Jensen looked completely shocked and broken. As crushed as Jared knew he would be by the information. But he didn’t want to stop now that he had begun to confess. 

“I don’t think she really knew what would happen if she forced the issue. I’m not sure I even did. But I know that I love you. I will always care about Gen, but I have never felt anything like the way I do when I am with you.” 

Jensen felt it too; it was tearing him apart inside. How could he betray and break apart his marriage and his friend’s marriage over this? And how could he not? 

“I have some hard conversations ahead with Gen, and I suspect you will have to have some similar ones with Dani. But I have hope that we can work through it, if we’re honest with each other, and the people in our lives.”

Jensen shook his head, imagining having a conversation about his best friend/lover with his parents.

“But no matter what the outcome, please don’t say this shouldn’t have happened. You can’t say this was a mistake if we both wanted it, I won’t acknowledge that. I only wish I had had the courage to tell you that I love you sooner. I came here to tell you that. I don’t want to pretend this never happened. I want to have you, to be with you, in whatever way we can be together, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Jensen’s shoulders sagged. He began gasping as his body rocked with sobs and fresh rivulets of tears gushed from his ardent green orbs. 

Jared slid forward until Jensen’s shaking form was enclosed between his powerful thighs, then he slowly wrapped his long arms around his best friend and lover, pulling him back to lean against the warm expanse of his naked chest. 

Jensen didn’t struggle. He let himself be enveloped in Jared’s heat. Hating himself for the rush of comfort, love, and desire that flooded his quivering body as he was pressed into Jared’s flesh, Jensen gulped in air, trying to separate how he was feeling from what he was thinking. His brain was telling him that they were in an impossible situation, both married, with children already born or on the way. Raised in conservative Christian families that were not accepting of homosexuality, surrounded by the pressure of a rabid fandom that fantasized about just this sort of interaction between them, they could never be to each other what they needed, what they wanted. It couldn’t happen, it would never work. 

But as his mind threw up all of these road blocks his body was busily tearing them down again, unconsciously pressing itself closer and tighter into Jared’s embrace. Flooding his blood stream with endorphins, making him forget himself and only strain for more contact, more touch. 

Before he was even aware of himself Jensen had turned his body into Jared’s, lacing his arms under and around the big man’s. He threw his legs over Jared’s left thigh placing his bottom on the muscle of his right. He allowed himself to be cradled this way for a long time. Jensen placed his face into the niche where Jared’s shoulders met his neck. Jensen’s mouth hung open, gusting hot, sobbing breath against the small patch of chest hair in the center of Jared’s pectoral muscles. He closed his eyes, breathing in the warm comfort of Jared, letting himself get lost in the flush of love he felt. This emotion was all encompassing, burning even brighter for having been consummated and returned. How could he ever hope to say no to this now? How could they ever give this up? 

Jared placed a gentle kiss across the top of Jensen’s head, his arms moving to stroke up and down Jensen’s back, caressing the sobs into submission. Jensen’s sobs slowly calmed, coming to a stuttering halt as he shifted slightly to be able to look up into Jared’s face. 

“Jared. I…” Jensen stared into the hazel depths of Jared’s eyes set in his beautiful, patient face. He saw all the love, adoration, and support he had always seen there, even before he recognized it for what it was. Jensen wanted this so badly. He knew they both did. And maybe, just maybe, if they both wanted it, they could make it work. It wouldn’t be easy. It wouldn’t be ideal, it might even be impossible. But if they both were willing to work on it, they could have this. They could have everything. He saw it all on Jared’s face; the twinkle in his eyes, the play of the smile across his full lips. He wanted to believe it; he wanted to tell Jared he could see it. 

Then he felt Jared’s hardness against his thigh. His body responded in kind raising his temperature and his flesh simultaneously. He lost himself in those hazel pools; want flooding his brain, washing away words and thoughts, leaving only the need to show Jared his love. 

“I love you. I want you. Please…. take me.” Jensen gasped in a single breath. He poured all of his emotion into those few short phrases. 

Then he kissed Jared. Kissed him so hard he tasted blood. Before he could pull away, Jensen attacked Jared’s mouth, crushing lips and tongues and teeth together again and again, and grinding flesh between the hard enamel underneath.

He felt Jared’s body tense with shock and pain at Jensen’s aggressiveness. Jared’s hands moved to Jensen’s shoulders to gently push him away, but Jensen was determined to prove his love, to make Jared understand how he felt, by giving him his whole body. If he let Jared push him back, take a breath, break the connection, he knew they would have to speak, try to converse, try to articulate what their bodies already knew with useless words. Try to quantify and plan and box up their relationship into a neat package, to break the spell down into its component parts. Jensen didn’t want that; couldn’t handle that. They couldn’t talk about it. They never could. It was only this, only ever going to be this. This passion burning so hot it consumed all words and left them stripped bare, clean; into the essential parts. They were one soul in two parts. And they didn’t need to speak to know it. Jensen intended to let Jared feel it, in this moment, only by showing him. 

So when Jared gently pushed him back, Jensen growled and wrapped his fists into Jared’s hair, shifting his hips and spreading his legs so he was now straddling Jared’s pelvis. He pulled Jared’s mouth to his even harder, forcing his tongue inside, and flicking it along the heat of Jared’s palate. Jared let out a surprised half moan. Jensen eagerly sucked the sound out of his mouth and down his own throat. He released one fist full of hair and rapidly ran his shaking hand down Jared’s chest, reaching down between them to grasp Jared’s straining length and give it a firm but gentle tug. 

Jared’s body shifted, his hands went from pushing ineffectually at Jensen’s shoulders to clasping him under the ass. He felt Jared’s arms pulling him in toward their shared space, forcing his cock and Jared’s to clash together in a glancing thrust that sent chills shooting up Jensen’s spine. Not breaking the kiss, but easing the pressure Jensen took his free hand and gathered the precome from the dripping tip of Jared’s erection. He passed the same hand over his own weeping arousal, then carefully pulling back just enough to be able to make eye contact with Jared; he reached behind himself and began to slide his slicked fingers inside his own hole. Jared’s eyes flared with desire, looking at Jensen with black coils boiling in the pits of his hazel depths. Jared watched Jensen’s face as he prepared himself, still gently sucking on Jensen’s kiss bruised lips; he saw the heat building as his love used his fingers to work himself open. 

Jensen’s eyelids fluttered. The sensation was overwhelming, not only the sensitivity of his virgin tissues being gently worked open, but the added stimulation of the heat of Jared’s gaze; watching him experience this pleasure for the first time. It turned Jensen on so much he didn’t realize how close he was to coming. He worked his fingers deeper inside himself, adding a third he began to rock back into his own fingering. His hips began to work faster as his fingers explored the inside of his channel, slipping and sliding as he spread them wider. Suddenly he pressed at a different angle and found that pleasure button that had stimulated Jared so very effectively earlier. Jensen broke the kiss, crying out in pure bliss. His eyes rolled back into his head as he crooked his finger again, feeling Jared silently watching him, wanting him. Blind and half mad from desire, Jensen pushed back onto his fingers again, hard and suddenly, with a wrenching scream, came all over Jared’s chest. 

Shaking and dripping with sweat Jensen collapsed into Jared’s supporting arms, breathing so hard he was almost hyperventilating. Still twitching with the aftershocks of his orgasm Jensen shifted back up on to his knees and straddled Jared’s still throbbing erection. He wiped his cum off Jared’s chest and slicked his lover’s waiting member. He looked into Jared’s eyes and smiled. He kissed him softly, sweetly. Then he guided Jared’s hands to his ass helping push his cheeks gently apart to give the best access to his quivering, well-prepared hole. 

“Jensen, are sure?” Jared, bit his lip, the restraint was almost painful. He was so hard he ached to be inside Jensen. After watching him come like that, just fingering himself, it had taken everything Jared had not to shoot right after him. 

Jensen didn’t respond, he simply sat back and took Jared inside himself in one swift motion. Jared’s breath hissed out in a rush as the tightness of Jensen enveloped him. Jensen barked out a rough moan and he dug his hands into Jared’s flesh, as the sensation of fullness overwhelmed him momentarily. Jensen took a deep breath and relaxed his back and body, wiggling his hips to ease the rest of Jared’s length inside him. Then when he was fully seated, Jared’s body flush against his ass cheeks, Jensen looked into Jared’s eyes again. 

Jensen has amazing eyes; on a face that is nearly perfect it’s hard to pick one feature, but Jensen’s eyes are truly marvelous tools. He is able to convey so many emotions with those beautiful verdant globes. And at this moment, he is telling Jared their story, with only his eyes. Saying all the words he cannot bring himself to actually say, with only a look. And Jared knows. Because they are one soul and they can read each other better than anyone else can. Jared nods then kisses Jensen.

And then they began to move.


End file.
